Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Dark Humor

My friend is an aspiring stand-up comedian and sent me a list of jokes for possible inclusion into his act. He hasn’t done much but a few open mic nights and showcases, but he’s a funny guy. The jokes he sent me were different from the stuff I’m used to hearing from him and were a little bit on the off-color and dark side. For your examination I present them.

A man walks into a bar, has a few drinks, talks to the rest of the regulars. He watches the game, and pretty contented starts walking to his apartment nearby. On the way home, a man with a ski-mask pulls a gun on him and tells him to give him his money. The man does so, slowly. The man in the ski-mask shoots him and runs away. The wallet had $20, a driver’s license, a VISA, a bus transfer, and the generic picture of a family that comes with the wallet.

A man gets off from work early and heads home to go ahead and see if he can help his wife with dinner. He comes home and sees his wife in bed with the milkman. The wife is surprised and says, “George, you weren’t supposed to be home until 6!” The man looks at her and laughs, saying, “You are horrible and there is no way in hell that I will let you keep the kids.” The milkman says nothing.

A man and a woman are in the desert, trying to get their way to civilization and they see this lamp lying in the sand. They know it’s foolish but they grab the lamp and rub it, hoping something would happen. Nothing does, and they have a laugh about the absurdity of the situation. Two days later, they die.

A man goes to the doctor because he had been feeling some pain. The doctor examines him very carefully, and says that they are going to need some more tests. The man is concerned, but the doctor insists on it, just to be on the safe side. So after the final battery of tests the man is sitting on the table in one of the examination rooms and the doctor comes in with a clipboard and a frown. “So what is it doc? Am I going to be okay?” The doctor looks at the patient and replies, “I’m sorry Mr. Peterson, but you have severe, terminal cancer. We have a few options for treatment, but the chances of them working are very small.” The man is silent and then looks at the doctor and says, “Is there a phone I can use?”


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