How To Make An Ass Of Yourself Part One

Have you ever been in a public situation like say, a party? Have you wanted to shame yourself and your friends and your family?

Well of course! We all have! But, how do you do this using music? Well, the answer is quite simple, with a few of these methods, personally tested by me, you will never be able to show your face around town again.

1. Sing
This sounds obvious, but to really knock this out of the park, you have to know the right songs to sing. You have to know all the words, and you have to do it with emotion. My personal recommendations for this are blowing people away with one of the following heartfelt pieces. Lip-synching is okay.

Stay – Lisa Loeb: There are a lot of lyrics, but it’s totally worth it. Wear your mid-nineties young girl dressing old for effect clothes (cardigans, plastic rims, etc.). Also, be careful to keep a straight face the entire time.

Total Eclipse of the Heart – Bonnie Tyler: This one can be done alone or with a partner. It used to be gold, but its charm has since diminished since people who love Old School have co-opted it as their own.

I Don’t Want To Wait – Paula Cole: Dawson’s Creek isn’t as firmly in people’s minds as it once was. Time this right and you catch everyone by surprise, but blow them away. More people know this song, so it has a tendency to start sing-a-longs, at least for the chorus. Know the verses, because no one else knows them. I’ve had the most success with this one.

Sometimes – Britney Spears
I think this was the second single off the first album. Everyone knows it, but the surprise factor for this movie is ridiculously high. It’s just a horribly terrific song that everyone wishes they forgot. Know all the words and astonish your friends.

2. Air Guitar
Everyone needs to have a few air guitar routines under their belt. These should be extensive, fully choreographed, and bitchin’ Mostly these should be drawn from the canon of “classic” rock that gets played on the radio ad infinitum. Don’t do a Television song: you will get tired at the five minute mark and despite how cool it is in theory, no one will like it. Your technical accuracy needs not be great for whatever you pick, but you must be out of breath by the end, and people should cheer. Singing is optional.

Pinball Wizard – The Who: You need to know how to do the windmill for the opening part of this song. I recommend standing on a table with your head down and then suddenly bursting into action. This one has won me applause. You don’t get points for originality, but done right, it’s a stunner.

Master of Puppets – Metallica: This can be challenging, but the punctuated breaks and bits of silence make this really impressive if you do it right. Jump around, keep your strumming hand a fist until the solo, and don’t be afraid to wail. If you are a girl and do this well, then you are in like Flynn.

Heartbreaker – Led Zeppelin: And Led Zeppelin song will do so long as you take the time to really nail the solos. I prefer this song because it has a really absurd solo right at the end that you can just go completely apeshit on, and then the song will end abruptly. It’s pretty brilliant.

Creep – Radiohead: You don’t really need a full routine for this. I’m just bringing it up because its embarrassing when people do the CLUNK-CLUNK at the wrong time. Seriously people, get that shit figured out.

3. Rap
This one can actually impress people if you do it well and they aren’t expecting it (you are white). This is harder than normal singing in terms of sheer amounts of lyrics as well as tongue-twisting, but to me it’s easier to remember. For the others, the track playing in the background is pretty much necessary (even for singing), but if you can bust it out without music, you get bonus points.

The Next Episode and Nothing But A G Thang – Dr. Dre and Snoop: You just need to know these, the lyrics are easy and they have been on air forever. Naturally these work best for a partner, but you can easily do them alone if you want. Also, on The Next Episode devote particular attention to the Smoke Weed Everyday closing, and you will get tons of applause.

Straight Outta Compton – NWA: Does miracles for one’s street cred.

B.O.B. – Outkast: Learn all the lyrics for this, be able to perform it at full speed, and that’s it. You win. Game Over (Flip, Flip). The song comes up often enough at parties that you can do this often and really impress everyone. It’s hard, twisty and ridiculously fun. Strongly recommended for embarrassing yourself if you can figure out when to breathe.