Sunday, June 04, 2006


We all got it eventually. Whether we thought it was cool, were pressured by our friends, wanted to see who was in classes, or otherwise justified it, we all eventually did it. We sat down and logged on: We made Facebook profiles.

Everyone expects you to be interested in it initially, but what happens when the interest doesn’t fade? Facebook has a pull to it, and the best of us only get distracted, the worst of us get addicted.

I am no Facebook saint, and I freely admit this. My conscience is burdened with a number of Facebook-related sins. I am not proud of these. I beg that you not judge me too harshly for how awful I am.

1. I have read your Facebook profile. I’ve read it. If you listed a livejournal or a blog, I read it. Like for several months back. I know that that’s how most of you started reading this, so don’t even think about hating.

2. I am so bad at conversation that sometimes, in an effort to get people to like me, I will read your facebook or blog and then talk about something you love and pretend like I didn’t know you liked it and isn’t it cool that we have such common interests?

3. I have looked at all your pictures. I know what everyone was for Halloween and that stupid thing you did when you were drunk. What goes for blogs also goes for flickr and webshots.

4. I have avoided friending people or accepting friendship requests for the following, shallow “problems” in their profile:
a. Favorite books: “I don’t read.”
b. Favorite books: The Notebook, DaVinci Code, Angels and Demons
c. Favorite music: obscenely long list (Who are you trying to impress?).
d. Any Field: “and many more” or “etc” (see above)
e. Favorite music: “Everything but Rap, Metal, and Country” (This tag indicates white, middle to upper class people who suck almost without fail.)
f. Favorite music: “DMB!!!!” (see above)
g. Favorite movies: The Notebook, DaVinci Code,
h. Favorite music: Mars Volta, Coheed and Cambria
i. Wall: The Beautiful Truck.
j. Anywhere: “If you want to know then ask!” (If I wanted to ask I wouldn’t be stalking you over Facebook)
k. Favorite Music: No pop music included. (Liar or boring.)
l. Groups: “We Hate Facebook” or similar. (Liar or pretentious. Probably hates television and pop music)
m. Anywhere: Lists are alphabetized.
n. Favorite Books: No fiction.

5. Sometimes I delete a comma in a random section of my profile so that people who check my profile for changes get confused and frustrated because they can’t find out what I changed.

6. I really miss the Visualize Network feature that made the cool web-like graphic.

7. I get really defensive and angry at people who think MySpace is better than Facebook.

8. I get déjà vu all the time because I will recognize someone in the flesh and not know why until I remember that I had pored over their Facebook just the other night.

9. I check your Favorite Music against your page for discrepancies.

10. I think you look whore-y in your picture.

I feel cleansed. Feel free to share your Facebook confessions below. Make use of the “anonymous” tag as needed.


Blogger Elizabeth said...

Oh no, don't judge. Some of this is pretty shameful, but I'm posting with my name because I just have to own up.

1. I agree with your #4 totally, every single point. To my personal list, an addendum:
o. Political views: apathetic
p. Interests: Anything in all capital letters, especially something that seems like it should be too meaningful to be listed an inch away from your dating status (JESUS, the BIBLE) or something that already sounds dumb enough properly capitalized (getting CRUNK with my GIRLS).
q. Groups: groups that are about wearing or not wearing flip flops.
r. Photos: the presence of an album devoted solely or primarily to self portraits. Having two such albums is a particularly strong strike.
s. Anywhere: Use of the character "♥", with allowances if it's part of the proper name of a film or book.
t. Anywhere: Punctuation like this!!!, which somehow people think is okay.

2. I hardly ever friend people I meet in class or at parties, but I look them up soon after the event anyway.

3. Instead of using knowledge gained from facebook to an advantage, I feel really uncomfortable when I know a lot about someone from reading their profile but have never actually had a good, long conversation with them.

4. I have looked at the profiles of nearly everyone in my major and minor, with exception of alumni. Both are fairly unpopular fields of study, but still.

5. I agree with what you said about looking at pictures, though I rarely venture onto flickr or webshots. I look at my high school friends' pictures the most, mainly when I miss them. Alternately, I look up this one awful picture of my ex-boyfriend someone took when he was really high and had drawn all over his arm with a pen whenever I find myself missing him. Similar problems and solutions, drastically different results. I feel pretty silly about both, especially the last one. Actually, silly is kind of an understatement.

6. I don't look at Pulse anymore, because it bothers me that the UNC student body likes The Da Vinci Code, The OC, and Coldplay so much.

7. I have looked at the groups of my friends at other colleges.

8. I have directed my friends to particularly outrageous facebook profiles before (Kris Wampler's comes to mind) just because I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

9. I have seen my only cousin's drunken facebook pictures, which makes it really hard to keep a straight face when my aunt and mother start talking about how she unfairly got in trouble at school for having alcohol because "her roommate collects empty mini bottles for her boyfriend and had one lying in her drawer," or some equally convoluted and implausible story.

There you go. Oh, and also, I think it's really silly when I see girls younger than me post high contrast black and white pictures of themselves artily holding a cigarette and brooding (oh god, I have the perfect picture to link, but I feel like I really shouldn't), but that's not really a secret, and I don't really feel ashamed.

2:06 AM  
Blogger Kellen said...

IN RE #3:
I once found one of my high school teacher's blog and read all about his divorce and depression. I don't know what I would do if I saw him. All I know is that I feel really awkward and bad.

IN RE #6:
I can't keep my eye off of Pulse. I would be depressed by the ranks, but the reality is that UNC is completely in line with the nation except for a few minor details and since I've long been disabused of the notion that UNC is any different from anywhere else, I can't be disapointed.

That's textbook myspace. Fuckers. Also, I like how fat people only take pictures of their face, or if female, their face and boobs.

11:50 PM  
Blogger mandy-rex said...

I do the exact same things. You guys freak me out.

12:02 PM  

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