Who Is the Sluttiest Member of the Supreme Court

I bet you’ve always wondered. After consulting the Slut-O-Meter, we have the answer. The sluttiest member of the Supreme Court is…

Samuel Alito?!?

This defies all logic to me. I mean, we all pretty much get that he’s anti-abortion, right? Common sense dictates that being anti-abortion does not make you slutty, because let’s face it: getting knocked up puts a huge damper on getting your slut on.

In general, the results surprised me quite a bit. I mean, I thought liberals were supposed to stand for sex, drugs, and rock and roll? Or at least the rights to all of the above. All the people in Hollywood are all liberals, and I read the tabloids: they are sluts.

I guess I expected the “liberals are slutty” stereotype to hold, but instead, this is how it breaks down.

Supreme Court Justice Sluttiness
Samuel Alito 21.02%
John Roberts 14.83%
John Stevens 5.59%
Anthony Kennedy 3.17%
David Souter 2.72%
Ruth Ginsberg 2.6%
Antonin Scalia -7.7%
Stephen Breyer -39.38%
Clarence Thomas -88.07%


So apparently, here is the generalization I am going to make: the middle of the right is apparently as slutty as it gets. The two Bush appointees are apparently the sluttiest. “MODERATE, MY ASS!” is all I have to say. John Stevens, I’m looking at you too. Apparently he takes the title of swinger on multiple levels.

The liberals all have less than 6% sluttiness. This disappoints me. You guys need to work on this. How are we going to take your liberal credibility seriously. And -39.98%, Breyer? God, I know you have moderate tendencies, but show a little leg. Jeez.

The only thing that is how it should be, are the negative sluttiness of Scalia and Thomas. Because let’s face it, these are the two names that no one has ever called out while making love. It’s a fact that if you say “Scalia” five times in a row, your genitals shrivel up and fall off.